Hello and Happy Spring!
This is my favorite season. I feel like I am coming alive again. The world is coming alive again. There are so many wonderful things that happen once Winter finally passes us by. I can breathe. I start to sing. I dance. I call out to the birds.
I honestly do a lot of things that I try not to do at other times during the year. Not all of them are good. I have to fight a lot more potentially-dangerous impulses this time of the year. It’s only 25 degrees Fahrenheit out right now, Britnie, and it’s windy, why do you need to wash your car by hand and go on a three mile walk after you take your third shower of the day and it’s only one in the afternoon? Go distract yourself until you don’t feel this urge anymore. And for Pete’s sake, don’t act on it! (Do I even know a Pete?)
Also, apparently spending money is something that I’m doing right now. I’m paying off medical bills, I’m putting money into my candle business, I treated myself to a haircut… but, oh yeah, I’m not working again and I’m not getting a paycheck. I shouldn’t spend $50 on a sudden grocery trip and treat myself to $6.00 sushi because I’ve completed a difficult task. (Apparently risk-taking and impulsivity are traits often found in people who have been diagnosed with BPD. Normally I have them under firm control. In spring? Apparently not.)
Anyway. I digress. I’m subject-jumping.
I titled this blog post with an e.e cummings poem. One of my absolute favorite poems, and my favorite poet. No, really. I read my husband an e.e cummings poem during our wedding vows. But, this particular poem [in Just-] is so great and it definitely makes me think of spring. Myself in spring. Also, kind of nonsensical which is fantastic and suits me just fine, especially right now. See below.
[in Just-]
in Just-
spring when the world is mud-
luscious the little
lame balloonman
whistles far and wee
and eddieandbill come
running from marbles and
piracies and it’s
spring
when the world is puddle-wonderful
the queer
old balloonman whistles
far and wee
and bettyandisbel come dancing
from hop-scotch and jump-rope and
it’s
spring
and
the
goat-footed
balloonMan whistles
far
and
wee
All week, I’ve been feeling off. I’ve been too energetic to concentrate on anything, I’ve had incredibly vivid dreams, and nightmares, and I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve been very talkative, and honestly I googled “hypomania” and found a lot of things that fit me for the past week.
Did I mention yesterday was the full moon, and the spring equinox? HELLO. We have an answer, friends. How can I not be so jazzed when it’s spring equinox time? (Happy Second Day of Spring) Especially when I can follow my mood cycles with the moon cycles. The week of the full moon is always a week that my depression and uncertainty hit me really hard, and I have vivid dreams, and I can’t sleep through the night if I manage to fall asleep in the first place. How did I forget this?
And it’s spring-
Of course I’m going to be excitable.
I’ve come alive again.
Yesterday I attended a ritual with a group of pagan friends. We welcomed the transition from Winter to Springtime together, then we sat down and drank some alcoholic beverages and shared some food. It was a fantastic time of community.
We talked a lot about letting go what no longer serves us, and accepting that which will help us grow. Like in October, we are in a time of transition. Like October, that transition is always within ourselves.
What have I held on to during the winter that no longer serves me? It is time to acknowledge it, and let it go.
What is the truest truth of where I want to be? How can I get there? What can I welcome into my life that will bring me closer to that true, authentic self? It is time to acknowledge it, and seek it out. If it is already within me, I need to nurture it.
This is a time of growing.
Not just hands in the dirt, though I do love to garden, but true growth.
Sometimes “growth” means that you need to prune things.
Last year, I spent three days hacking away at various trees and bushes in my yard. They were overrun with weeds or growing improperly. I have a tree in my front yard that was encroaching on the driveway and blocking the path to my door. I took an old machete I had bought for camping, and a pair of hedge trimmers and got to work. I filled up at least four large bags for disposal, and I wasn’t even done. My arms were shaking. I couldn’t hold a fork without pain.
My roses grew in more beautiful than they did before. My lavender bushes, previously grey and dying, filled out and appeared healthier than ever. My weeping cherry tree filled with twenty little birds, happier than ever before.
Let go of that which no longer serves you. It will be painful. But it will be so worth the pain when you start to grow and transform.
Like the earth beneath my feet, I feel my soul coming alive again. I am shaking off the cold freeze of Winter and my roots can stretch out and grow again. I can tilt my head back and bask in the light of the sun on my face.
The things that no longer serve me. I started to name them, and I was surprised to find that they were so many emotions. But it wasn’t something unexpected. I’ve known for a long time that these things cause me a great deal of pain. What surprised me is that I feel like I can finally begin letting them go.
Pain. Humiliation. Despair. Insecurity. Loneliness. Guilt. Shame. Fear.
In their place, I am focusing on love. Joy. Trust. Compassion. Gratitude.
I have declared 2019 to be a year of Self – a year of alignment. And it is. It is very much a year of alignment, and of letting go that which does not serve me.
What do you choose to let go as the Winter fades into Spring? What do you choose to accept in your life to fill the void left behind? How can you help yourself become the most authentic self that you can be?
Those are my questions for you to ponder. As always, I look forward to discussing with you anything you wish to share!
Lessons from the Lotus 