Changing My Thoughts and Knowing My Worth

Hi, friends!

Today I want to scream into the void about how important it is to know your own worth. It’s something that I’ve struggled with for most of my life. For a very long time, I could not reach past feelings of worthlessness. I thought that I was worthless. And nothing that anybody else could do or say would convince me otherwise. I had abundant proof that I had value, had worth, and I was achieving my goals (some small and seemingly insignificant, others large and groundbreaking) left and right. Yet, I still felt worthless. To this day, when my anxiety and depression really kick the floor from beneath my feet, I struggle with feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness.

I’ve had a breakthrough. I want to share this with you.

As some of you are beginning to realize, I’m an avid podcast-listener. I’ve been listening to podcasts when I shower, travel, and clean – that gives me a solid couple of hours a day during the week. On days off from work, I give myself more time to listen. Especially during the past 6 months or so when I haven’t been attending my weekly therapy sessions due to budgetary reasons. I’ve already recommended Happier with Gretchen Rubin because of the value I found in defining and reaching a state of consistent happiness. Today, I want to talk a bit about what I’ve learned listening to The Life Coach School Podcast  with Brooke Castillo. 

I’m going to preface this with saying: I’m only on episode 50. However. I spoke with my therapist about some of the things that I have learned by listening to this podcast, and once they started to make sense to me I began applying them to my life – she said that I am primed for Dialectal Behavioral Therapy to be super effective. Which is absolutely fantastic because that’s the school of talk-therapy that has actually proven to be helpful for people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. So, if my therapist believes that the lessons I have learned from this podcast are valuable enough to recommend that I continue listening and learning from it, and that she will check it out, I feel like I am well within my rights to recommend this to everyone who may struggle with their brain.

So, I will jump in: Self-worth and my brain. What broke through 20+ years of conditioning to make me believe that I am worthy? (Spoiler alert: it has to do with this episode.)

The thought that whatever happened in the past was always meant to happen that way. Because that is the way that it happened.

and

The fact that I exist proves that I am worthy. Because I exist. If I wasn’t worthy of life, I would not exist on this planet.

Wow. Let me tell you how much I bawled my eyes out when those two thoughts truly hit home in my brain and in my heart. And when I could feel the roots of belief sinking in, I started crying again.

I don’t need to search for proof of my worthiness. I am here. I am already worthy.

I don’t need to fight against my past, or feel sad about it. It was supposed to happen this way. If it had happened any other way, I would not be the person that I am today. And guess what, friends? I love being the person that I am today. The story that I tell about my life is my “past” – and that led me to be the person I am now. It was supposed to happen exactly the way it did in order to create the Me that I am today. And I am here today. I have life. I am worthy. I am worthy of the life I am.

I am worthy of the love I receive. The very first affirmation I created with my therapist. I spent a year trying to believe that. Sometimes it is very hard. I’m choosing to adjust it, today, with everyone reading this as my witness: I am worthy of life. (A tip: Sometimes, if the affirmation you are trying to believe is too different from what you currently believe, you need to take baby steps. Take steps from BAD to NEUTRAL to OKAY to GOOD. Example: “I am beautiful” never worked for me, but “My body is

I challenge you all to really, truly believe that you are worthy of life. If that is too much for you to believe, let us try this: I am worthy of life because I am alive.

You don’t need to go all existential crisis or religious or spiritual with it. Do you live? Like, are you physically alive right now? Yes. You are worthy of living. It is an unquestionable fact. Let’s learn to believe it together. (If you are a vampire, you are also worthy of your vampire life. My posts are geared towards a living audience, but I am still glad to see you. Let me know if you get any value from my posts! I will not be modulating my posts to include an audience of vampires in the future, however. If you have further questions or need clarification, contact me in the comments section and I will try to help you.)

One of the things I have been learning from Brooke Castillo is that I am responsible for my own feelings. And this is an absolute blessing. Why? Because if I put someone else in charge of that, I give all my power away. Do I want to be powerless? Absolutely not! If I am responsible for how I feel, I get to have more control over my life than I ever had before.

Something that helped with this is what Brooke calls The Model and this actually plays really well into the foundation of different kinds of therapy. This episode also touches on one of the topics above – “It was always meant to happen that way” – so I definitely recommend listening to this episode.

So, the model. Simply put, it’s this:

Circumstance –> Thought –> Feeling –> Action/Inaction –> Result

I’m going to add some more words to it now, based on my understanding. This is drawing from various sources, including The Life Coach School Podcast, my own therapy sessions, and The Expanded Dialectal Behavior Therapy Skills Training Manual: DBT for Self-Help, and Individual & Group Treatment Settings, Second Edition by Lane Pederson with Cortney Sidwell Pederson.

So, a Circumstance is anything that is pure fact. Think of things in the way that it would be presented in a court of law. Pure, undeniable, provable fact.

A Thought is a sentence in your mind in relation to the circumstance. It is an interpretation of the circumstance. It is super important to start noticing these. Can you guess why this is so important?

Your thoughts are what create your feelings. You don’t feel a particular way about anything until you have a thought about it. So, if you want to control the way you are feeling, you need to know what is causing the way you feel. And that is the thought you are thinking about the situation that has occurred.

It is your feelings that cause you to react – you will have an action urge, or an inaction urge, and this will drive your behavior. It is important to realize that the way you act or do not act in response to your feelings about a situation is a choice that you are making. Informed choice, or not, it is a choice you are making based on your thoughts about a circumstance.

This action or inaction is what will create the result, or the consequence to your behavior to act or not act on your feeling. The result, then, impacts your thoughts about the circumstance in the future.

I’m not one to preach something I haven’t personally tried, so let me share some of my experiences with this process.

Circumstance: I woke up and my body is in pain. I am scheduled to work today.
Thought: I feel poorly. I do not want to go to work today. I need the paycheck.
Feeling: Sad. Disappointment. Frustration. Anger.
Action: Get up. Go to work.
Result: Attended work.
Consequences: Physical condition does not improve, but I will earn that day’s work on my paycheck at the end of the pay period. My work quality may be impacted in a negative manner. My mood remains poor throughout the day, and I am focusing on the negative situation.

Now, this is not always the best situation. If I want to change it, I can choose to change my thought, focus on different emotions. I can choose to act differently than the thoughts and feelings I have, and that would give me a different result and consequence. Changing my Action response is part of “Opposite Action” in DBT, and it can be immensely helpful. Let me walk through the same example with a different result.

Circumstance: I woke up and my body is in pain. I am scheduled to work today.
Thought: I feel poorly. I do not want to work today. I need the paycheck.
[Pause] I notice what I am thinking, and the emotions I am feeling in this moment. I desire to be kind to myself, and I adjust my thoughts so they are intentional.
New Thought: My body is in pain, and that is making me feel frustrated. It is okay for me to feel frustrated. I love my body and want to take care of it. Am I physically well enough to go to work today?
Feeling: Love. Acceptance. Non-judgement. Curiosity.
Thought: I do not feel well enough to go to work today. I may need to go to the doctor if this condition continues.
Feeling: Frustration. Worry. Acceptance. Resignation. Love.
Action: Do not go to work. I spend the day taking care of my physical condition.
Consequence: I lose one day’s pay from my paycheck. My physical condition may improve. I do not feel like I am attacking myself all day. When I notice I am defaulting to a state of frustration and disappointment, I remind myself that I am taking care of my body.

This example shows me taking an active rather than a passive role in my decision making process. Instead of following my default reaction, I intervene and use my skills to determine a different outcome. It becomes easier with practice, and my brain is not programmed to default to “acceptance” – it is programmed for resistance and anxiety. I can make the choice regarding the path that I take.

What if I choose to go to work anyway, but show myself compassion?

Circumstance: I woke up and my body is in pain. I am scheduled to work today.
Thought: I feel poorly. I do not want to work today. I need the paycheck. My body is in a lot of pain. I am feeling frustrated. It is okay for me to feel frustrated right now. I love my body and want to take care of it. Am I physically well enough to go to work today? I think I am.
Feeling: Love. Curiosity. Acceptance. Worry. Frustration. Determination.
Action: Get up. Go to work. Continue to mindfully monitor my situation throughout the day. Communicate openly with my management team regarding my condition if it needs adjustment.
Consequence: Physical condition may not improve. I feel positive and cared about throughout the day. I made an active decision to work. My management team is aware that I am not feeling well, and work adjustments may be needed. I am acting out of love for myself. I will receive payment for the time I worked.

The next time I feel ill, I will remember that I can show myself compassion and still meet my needs.

These three examples were from 3 different days during the month of February. My health has not been great, but I have been actively showing myself compassion and pursuing treatment. The decision to show myself compassion is becoming easier, and I am training my brain.

Reprogramming is difficult, friends. But it is so worth the difficulty. I am reprogramming myself to feel “worthy” as my default. It is harder some days than others, but I want to feel worthy of the life I live.

What are some thoughts that you can choose to think? What are some emotions that you feel based on the thoughts that you are choosing to think? Do you want to change the results you are getting from the actions that you are taking or not taking? I know that I want to feel valuable and loved, and I have found out that I can make myself feel both of those things if I think the right thoughts and act in a way that will reinforce those feelings.

Know your worth. Feel worthy. Do not let other people control the way that you are thinking and feeling about yourself. Reclaim your power. Retrain your brain.

I challenge you (part 2) to explore this model of emotion. If your answer to the question at the end is “poorly” or “not the result I was looking for” I challenge you to take notice of the thoughts that you are thinking and intentionally change them going forward.

Circumstance:
Thought about Circumstance:
Feeling caused by Thought:
Action/Inaction taken based on Feeling:
Result from Action/Inaction taken:
How do you feel about the result?

I will finish with a few paraphrased quotes from Brooke that have been very helpful to me in the last few months:

• A thought is a sentence in your brain.
• A feeling is a vibration in your body that is caused by a sentence you are thinking.
• A belief is just a thought that you keep thinking over and over again.

Can you change the belief that you are unworthy knowing that a belief is just a thought that you keep on thinking? Can you change the thought that you are not worthy knowing that it is simply a sentence in your brain? Rewrite the sentence. Believe in your worth. You are here. You are worthy.