The Quiet One [poem]

I am not the squeaky wheel
I spent my entire life
shaping myself into something else
something “better”

i don’t know how to use my voice anymore

i learned how to be
the quiet one
unassuming
how much quieter can I be
before I become the silence of the grave?

other people need it more
i’m not going to get it anyway
i don’t deserve it
i didn’t earn it
don’t be greedy

i am a bleeding wound
without a bandage
i took the clothes off my back
and wrapped it around it instead
i’m out of clothes
and still bleeding
i didn’t know
a body could hold so much blood

“help”
i whisper
and it is louder than any yell
my eardrums have burst
surely someone will come
i can’t do this by myself anymore
“can you hear me?”
my breath drowns out the sound of my voice

“you’re annoying”
i’m sorry, i’ll
be quieter
be smaller
be less
cut myself into smaller sections
fold them up like origami stars
cute, right?
i’m cute i’m cute i’m–

you laugh too loud
you laugh too much
you have a weird smile
is one of your teeth crooked?
leave me alone
go away

–sorry
i’m so sorry
i’ll be better, i promise
i’ll try harder
give me another chance
to prove it to you

i am worthy of your love
i can be, i promise

who knew a wound could bleed for 30 years?

They Know Who You Are: on ancestors

The second Wednesday of every month, I go to meet with a group of people to dive into some deep, spiritual discussions that I don’t often get to explore in my daily life. An eclectic group of Christians, various Pagan paths, and those who are undefined but exploring their own spirituality, questions are encouraged and the discussions can get very deep.

Samhain is coming up, and in the Celtic traditions this is the blood harvest for culling the herd and readying the home for Winter, but it is also a time where we can interact more easily with those across the Veil. Ancestors. There was a lot of focus during this meeting on ancestors. I gathered my courage and I asked a question:

“What if you don’t know anything about your family or ancestry?” Continue reading “They Know Who You Are: on ancestors” →

The Journey Begins (Again!)

Hello! My name is Britnie, and I’m jumping head-first back into the blogging world after an extended absence. This time – hopefully – with a little more care and understanding of the world than I had when I was a 13 year old girl on LiveJournal trying to figure out what was happening in the world.

At the time of this post, I am 27 years old, newly and happily married, cat-companion and house-owner. I have a background in education, daycare, and surprisingly enough I worked in the security industry for 3 years. I practice meditation, I wish that I could get myself back into yoga and martial arts, and I’m a spiritual kind of gal. Some of that is probably going to show up in my blog, as well as: happy and unhappy memories, human emotion, frustrations, unpleasant and pleasant memories, kind and unkind words, opinions that have or will be changed as I grow as a person, cats, candles, music, frank discussions on mental health, Harry Potter, video games, and tea. That is not a complete list by any means, and I’m sure that I won’t be able to follow a list if I tried to predict myself. I will attempt to tag specific things that may be upsetting – triggers and squicks, if applicable. I will definitely go on weird tangents because my brain is full of rabbit holes. Continue reading “The Journey Begins (Again!)” →

Kavanaugh and Ford: some thoughts

So, I’m going to start off by saying that I haven’t been following this story particularly closely, and I certainly do not know all of the facts and trivia tidbits. However, it’s been pretty difficult to get away from – there’s been tons of coverage on NPR, my Google feed, and Facebook – so I wanted to weigh in on a personal level. Because I do have some Thoughts about this, both as a Citizen of the United States of America, and as a woman.

Continue reading “Kavanaugh and Ford: some thoughts” →