Today I wanted to share my 10 Personal Commandments that I came up with in June. As I’ve mentioned before, 2018 has been a year of extraordinary growth for me – I bought a house, got married, changed careers, began and ended relationships – so it should come as no surprise that I have been focusing more on personal growth. I want to end the year with a clear picture of who I am and who I want to be, as well as have a plan for how I am going to get there.
Well, it’s a good thing that my first (and probably most important) Personal Commandment is to Be (100 percent, unapologetically) Britnie.
Who is Britnie, though? When it comes down to it, what are key parts of myself that I want to cultivate more than others? This was a really difficult question to answer, and I pondered this for weeks. I made list after list, adding things, crossing things off, tearing it up in a fit of pique and starting over again…. I probably shed some tears, I’m not going to lie. In a way, we spend our entire lives figuring out who we are, and who we want to be, and here I was trying to narrow it down into less than 10 one-word ideas. And I was trying to do it without asking other people or letting them know that I was doing this. I was trying to be critical of myself – what are the good and bad things about me? I was unwilling to lie to myself because that would defeat the purpose – and I was trying to be positive, because these are things that I would want to keep.
Who is Britnie?
Tenacious. Authentic. Honest. Emotional. Kind. Creative.
After a moment, I thought about who I wanted to become and added: Advocate. After another moment, I thought about who I already try to be and added Validator.
I looked at my list, and realized that it felt Right. You know when you get that feeling in your gut that this is exactly what you should be doing? I had that feeling, but I wanted to make sure that I did not need any more changes before I finalized it. So, I wrote it on the whiteboard in my kitchen and left it there, untouched but often looked at. I think my husband was confused, but he rolled with it and didn’t ask questions. After a few weeks, I realized that there was nothing more that I really needed to add. A few extra things may be nice, but are they really, truly at the core of myself? No. Sometimes, simplicity is key.
Now, how can I be the person that I want to be? Something simple that embodies the greater idea, and can be easily followed. That’s what I was looking for while I came up with my Personal Commandments. This is after an exercise from Gretchen Rubin, and I came up with some of these while I was listening to her, but I also added to the list over the course of a month.
My final list looked like this:
- Be Britnie
- Thank often.
- Stay present.
- Approach with kindness.
- Stay honest.
- Dive in.
- Give from the overflow.
- Feel deeply and shamelessly.
- Apologize only when necessary.
- Be the advocate.
Yesterday, I sat down and expanded on it. Not in a way that adds ideas, but rather defines the idea I meant to use.
- Be 100% unapologetically BRITNIE.
- Thank often. Apologize less. Practice gratitude.
- Stay present. Fewer episodes of dissociation; live in the moment without focusing on the past or the future, or worrying about “what if” or “maybe”
- Approach with kindness. Focus on being kind first and always see the kindness in others’ actions.
- Stay honest. Honesty to yourself is the most important – do not allow yourself to lie to yourself, embrace difficult truths, and always strive for clarity. Of course, continue to be honest to others, but no longer allow for self-denial.
- Dive in – no more holding back. Immerse yourself fully in whatever activity you are participating in, and allow yourself to completely enjoy it.
- Give from the overflow. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself, first and foremost, then you may start to take care of other people. No longer allow yourself to become depleted in order to care for others.
- Feel deeply and without shame. Guilt and shame are useless, unproductive responses to your own feelings. Embrace your emotions as they come.
- Apologize only when necessary. Do not apologize to the world for the hurts you have not caused. Be sure to apologize for only hurts that you have caused.
- Be the advocate. You have finally found your own voice – use it to protect and advocate for those who are still searching for their own.
I feel like some of these can be combined as they are very similar (Thank often/Apologize less; Stay present/Dive in) but I have kept them separate because of the distinctions. Thankfulness does not automatically mean I should apologize more thoughtfully; staying mindfully present does not automatically mean that I have immersed myself into the activity I am participating in.
What does this mean? I have put into words some of my defining characteristics, and I have identified 10 key ideas that I wish to live by. Perhaps I will adjust them as time goes on and I find a way to better state the idea – or perhaps they will remain the same. As I am writing this, I am struck by an overarching theme: I am striving to be more, feel more, and do more – with clarity of thought, intent, and emotion. Or: clarity and growth.
I intend to follow up with a more in-depth analysis of this thought, but for now I am going to see where it goes by itself. I can definitely state that I am a person who examines things through a critical lens and has never been content with lying to oneself; I am also a person who is never content with stagnation or maintenance of the status quo. I always want to challenge myself to be better than I was before, and to understand more than I did before.
In Gretchen Rubin’s Better Than Before I have reached a section that focuses on the distinctions within a person, in order for them to know themselves better and be more successful with habit change. Below are the 9 categories and my selections; I will also include a very brief description of the result.
Distinctions
- Upholder | Questioner | Obliger | Rebel
- Obliger: easily meet outer expectations while struggling to meet inner expectations; requires a system of accountability to meet goals
- Lark | Owl
- Lark: most productive in the morning/daytime hours (note: up until about 6 months ago, I identified as an owl, but early in life I was definitely a morning person. It seems that this is one of the traits that may be associated with age.)
- Marathoner | Sprinter | Procrastinator
- Sprinter: intentionally utilize an approaching deadline to create a high stress environment to finish a project; clarity is found in this higher stress environment, and the best work is done.
- Under-buyer | Over-buyer
- Over-buyer: more likely to stock up on items just in case they are needed in the future
- Simplicity lover | Abundance lover
- Simplicity lover: fewer options or choices allow for more freedom and joy
- Finisher | Opener
- Opener: more gratification comes from starting new projects
- Familiarity lover | Novelty lover
- Familiarity lover: embracing familiar things is more joyful; it is easier to form habits as they become more familiar and practiced
- Promotion focused | Prevention focused
- Promotion focused: ultimate goal is growth, and better results come from praise
- Small steps | Big steps
- Big steps: jump in to a big project rather than attempting incremental change
Remember how I said that clarity is important to me? This exercise was super fun! I got to research some unfamiliar things (promotion verses prevention was absolutely new to me) and I definitely got to know myself better. Looking through these results, it seems a bit contradictory.
I need to take big steps to implement change in order to grow as a person; I will not be satisfied with slow, incremental growth. I want to start many new things that I will feel more comfortable with as I become familiar with them, while making sure that I am prepared for every eventuality and limiting the amount of decisions I need to make. I need to make sure that there is a measure of outer accountability and urgency built in to every task I undertake, and set myself up for success and praise.
I think back on previous experiences and realize why I never felt content with not-failing, why I never felt emboldened by “you did well, but here is what you can do better next time” – I am a “promotion focused” person, playing to win rather than to not-lose. I do not want to stay the same – I am always looking to grow.
I like to feel prepared, and make sure that I have things in my home that I may need. I always think that I will have a use for an object at some point, so why not buy it now when I have the chance? (over-buyer) …. but when it comes down to my life, I do not like having too many choices, as it drives me into a panic. You are more likely to find me clearing clutter by getting rid of things that I no longer need or use than finding more things to display (simplicity lover). And although I love new experiences, what really brings me joy is engaging in activities that I already know I like (familiarity lover) and taking the guesswork out of things.
I feel like I got to know myself a little bit better this week. As I go into tomorrow, starting a new job and driving a new route to work with unfamiliar people and places, I hope to keep in mind what I have learned and find a way to make this experience work with me. This is the preparation stage of my Be Happier! project. I have not even read through the book that inspired this, but I don’t think I need to be 100% scripted – I just need to do what feels authentic with an end goal of enjoying my life more and being more present in it.
Let me know your thoughts on my Be Britnie and Commandments lists – and definitely weigh in on these distinctions! I’m curious to see what you may come up with for yourself as you answer these questions, and if you have seen something in my post that I have missed about myself.
As always, I am willing to answer questions, so let me know if you have any of them as well. For now, I am going to sign off, drink some hot chocolate, and finish preparing for my first day of my new job. Tomorrow will be an eventful day, but eventually it will become something I am used to and familiar with.
Much love, friends.
Britnie
Lessons from the Lotus 